We all desire to feel emotionally secure in a relationship. Our brain likes clarity, coherence, and a certain amount of predictability. We want to believe that things are as they seem to be and that we can trust the person next to us.
Unfortunately, the topic of lying and infidelity comes up often in psychotherapy.
Partners wish to make sense of why they have been lied to, and what can they do to regain trust in the person they love.
Other times, people come to therapy to decide if they can and want to continue the relationship with someone who has deceived them.
When we start from a position of reciprocal trust, discovering that we have been lied to by someone that we love can be the most hurtful experience one can go through, causing feelings of betrayal, anger, loneliness, and confusion.
The first question people come to ask is why? Why did it happen to me? What went wrong when things seemed to go right?
Looking into the reasons why some people might lie, there are several possible explanations:
- To avoid the consequences of their behavior; may that be a conflict, a punishment, or putting themselves in an uncomfortable situation by admitting the truth;
- They fear that by telling the truth, there is an increased risk of losing the trust of the partner or even the partner;
- To protect the other person from negative feelings because they believe that the truth would hurt the other person;
- They want to avoid change because they are afraid that the truth will lead to life changes they are not ready to face yet;
- To cover their insecurities and lack of confidence so that they appear more desirable, successful, or worthy in the eyes of their partner;
- To avoid vulnerability since honesty requires a great deal of vulnerability and emotional exposure.
- Some people are pathological liars, they lie out of habit especially if sometimes in their biography, lying was helpful as a survival mechanism.
When the truth comes up to the surface is there a good way of dealing with it and possibly restoring trust?
The answer depends on your relationship with the person, the severity of the lie, its frequency, and how it affects your life.
What I have experienced as therapist is that there are at least 4 important factors necessary for reestablishing trust:
- A high motivation by both parties to work on rebuilding trust;
- The willingness to admit and assume responsibility for the person who lied;
- The ability to emotionally understand and support the pain that has been caused by lying;
- And a clear declaration of intention for behavioral change in the future.
Also, I understood that it takes two to dance: the person who has been lied to can have her/his share in creating a safe space for an open and honest conversation.
It is very painful to be lied to and expressing your negative feelings might release some of the emotional intensity and make you feel good, but it won’t always make the other person be open and collaborate.
Ideally taking time to process what has happened before reacting would increase the chances of you being:
Calm- to create conditions to address the issue constructively, but also to ensure an emotionally safe space for the other person to express. Very often the other person experiences a lot of negative feelings too, such as shame, regret, guilt, and sadness.
Curious rather than accusatory and down putting- asking clarification questions from a curiosity stance helps to understand what were the factors and context that made the other lie;
Assertive- allowing you to express how the situation affected you and what are your needs and expectations for the near future, should you want to rebuild trust.
Listening, understanding, and putting all the information together will give you a starting point to reflect and assess if you want to rebuild trust in your relationship or if you should consider a separation. In some cases, professional help may be helpful to navigate deeper issues and foster a healthier, more transparent relationship dynamic.
